The Film Pie

From the title, I was expecting a bio of former rock icon Gary Glitter. Whilst Mariah Carey may not be guilty of molesting little boys, she’s certainly guilty of molesting the cinema audience.

How can I possibly describe how bad this film was? Carey plays Billie Frank, who we meet as an 8-year-old being abandoned by her mother and sent to an orphanage to be raised. When she grows up, she gets a job as a dancer in a club with two friends where she is discovered by producer Timothy Walker looking for three girls to work as back up singers for his girlfriend.

Along comes DJ, Julian “Dice” Black (Beesley), who sees Billie’s undiscovered talent and buys her from Walker for $100,000 to produce himself. She becomes an instant success and the two fall in love. Billie discovers that fame isn’t all it cracked up to be with pressure from the record company to remove Dice as her producer and it’s putting a strain on their relationship. Further, Walker is still chasing Dice for his money and doesn’t plan on waiting much longer…

It is a farcical to think that Glitter could actually be made. Mariah Carey can sing (although that’s also the subject of debate) but she is the worst actress I have ever, ever, ever seen. She pauses before every line and speaks in the same soft monotonous voice. Making her look even more pathetic is the obvious miming she does during the film’s major singing scenes.

The script and dialogue are disgraceful. Whilst the story is apparently based on aspects of Mariah’s own upbringing, I couldn’t give a shit whether Billie became a huge star and/or rekindled her love for Dice. Frankly, it would have been more interesting if she developed into a drug addict. Whilst the film still would have been terrible, it might have saved it from every worst film list across the country.

Every minute plays like an hour and this is filmmaking’s lowest ebb for some time. Last week I punished Ghosts of Mars but this is a far worse crime. This is sheer torture.