Feature Blogs

Painfully Recalling My Most Hated Films

Created on Tuesday, 30 November 2004 21:00
Written by Matthew Toomey


With some nasty reviews coming my way of late, I thought I’d give a tribute to the worst of the worst. That’s right, the single worst film I’ve seen in each of the past 9 years. I’ve provided commentary on some of the later films…


1996 – The Crow: City Of Angels (out of 167 films reviewed)


1997 – The Stupids (out of 167 films reviewed)


1998 – Tarzan & The Lost City (out of 178 films reviewed)


1999 – Teaching Mrs. Tingle (out of 173 films reviewed)

Poor Helen Mirren. One of the great actresses of our time was forced to feature in a horrible teen comedy along side Katie Holmes and Barry Watson. How can a studio executive wake up one morning and go “Hey, I know what’d be funny – a film about kids trying to kill their teacher cause she’s too mean.” I felt sicker for having seen it.


2000 – Kevin & Perry Go Large (out of 168 films reviewed)

This, I will never forget. 8 people in the cinema. 3 in the middle (myself and 2 friends), 2 in the back right corner, and 2 in the back left corner (cinema staff). All were hysterical at how horribly awful this was. You just had to be there and I have seldom laughed so hard. I even remember one audience member screaming out profanity it his own fit of laughter. One for the history books.


2001 – Glitter (out of 158 films reviewed)


I remember seeing this film in Melbourne when down for the Melbourne Cup. It’s been 3 years and I sill can’t get the horror from my mind. Mariah Carey tries to melt our hearts in a self-indulgent story of her rise from slums to superstardom. Every minute feels like an hour. When the film premiered on Showtime, even the voice-over guy trashed it! He said something like “see it to see if it’s as bad as everyone says”. Even I had to chuckle at that.


2002 – Blurred (out of 177 films reviewed)


Sorry I was to crown an Aussie film as the worst of 2002 but this was clearly. This look at schoolies’ week couldn’t be more unfunny or more in bad taste. The introduction to my full review read “Bad. Hopeless. Appalling. Dismal. Sad. Shameful. Pathetic. Woeful. Wretched. Paltry. Shoddy. Disastrous. Inexcusable. Rotten. Unforgivable. Defective. Pitiful. Vile. Terrible. Shocking. Dreadful. Disgraceful. Abominable. Detrimental. Hurtful. Unspeakable. Abysmal. Deplorable. Atrocious. Wicked. Diabolical. Botched. Reprehensible. Horrendous. Awful. Shabby. Horrible. Offensive. Frightful. Dispiriting. Unpleasant. Alarming. Ghastly. Wrong.”


2003 – Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever (out of 215 films reviewed)


I couldn’t even bring myself to write a review for Ballistic. I saw it with a friend and we laughed heartedly on exiting at the horrors we had witnessed. I don’t think the careers of Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas will ever be the same again. A ridiculous action flick that made about as much sense as George Bush’s current economic policy.