Feature Blogs

Annual Mr. Cranky Tribute - 2004

Created on Tuesday, 26 October 2004 21:00
Written by Matthew Toomey

 

I realise I have not had a Mr. Cranky tribute this year (as I have in the past). He’s hilarious and if you don’t know of him, he gives every film a bad review. So if there’s a film you don’t support, you can be sure to find an ally in Mr. Cranky.

 

So without further adieu, here’s some of Mr. Cranky’s best in 2004. The language may offend some but if you think you can stand it, prepare for a giggle…

 

Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid

It's probable that if a meteor landed right in the middle of Los Angeles, nobody would even notice. I say this because apparently nobody noticed that the first "Anaconda" sucked. This is like missing a volleyball-sized growth on your penis. Suddenly you're in a public shower one day or working out and somebody says "Hey, Mr. Cranky, is that a volleyball in your pants or do you have a growth on your penis?" and you look down, look surprised, and exclaim, "You're right, observant person, that is a growth on my penis!"”

 

Catwoman

Catwoman's love interest in this film is Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt), whose last name is apparently a metaphor for the number of people who are going to be in the theater after about a week.

 

First Daughter

"First Daughter" is so bad, it may actually one day become a cult favorite, a centerpiece of midnight showings where drunken, rowdy homosexuals gather to dress up like the characters, recite the lines in unison, and throw condoms at the screen whenever first daughter Samantha (Katie Holmes) and love interest James (Marc Blucas) come together to exchange strained romantic platitudes.”

 

National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers

You hear people in the audience laughing and you suddenly realize that not only is man descended from the apes, but most people aren't any smarter than apes. Frankly, I can absolutely guarantee that an ape would not laugh at what's in this movie, and that's not because the ape is incapable of understanding it.”

 

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

“How do we know that Bob Clark is pure evil? He's paired Jon Voight and Scott Baio. You know, you just don't wake up one morning and say to yourself, "Hey, I'm going to put Scott Baio and Jon Voight in a film together!" That kind of evil takes years and years of planning."

 

The Stepford Wives

“Can you say rewrite? Can you say rewrite about a couple dozen times? I really haven't seen a movie in recent memory that so carelessly reveals that not only was it obviously rewritten, but that the director and the writers didn't give a crap about an absolutely massive error right in the middle of the picture.”

 

Taxi

“The humor in "Taxi" isn't found in the audience laughing at the situations, but rather in the entire multiplex staff peeking into the theater and laughing at any person stupid enough to actually pay money to watch this thing.”

 

Thunderbirds

If you went to Vegas three years ago and had to lay money down on whether in three years a movie based on a 1960s puppet show called "Thunderbirds" was going to get made or whether George W. Bush was going to announce a manned mission to the sun, I guarantee you that your money would have been on the manned mission to the sun regardless of whether you think George Bush is an idiot or a genius.”

 

Wicker Park

In the process, you'll witness more stunning, improbable coincidences than in the War on Terror the month before the election. I mean, real jaw-droppers. Despite the fact that Chicago is ostensibly a large city, Matt, Lisa, his friend Luke (Matthew Lillard) and the mysterious Alex (Rose Byrne) cross paths more frequently than family lines in Kentucky's marriage records.”

 

The First Presidential Debate

“I know we're all fed up with politics, but the first Kerry/Bush presidential debate last week was simply too stunning, too shocking, and at times too jaw-droppingly horrible to be ignored. If there were a movie with this many miscues, I'd receive dozens of e-mails demanding I attend and suffer through the entire thing.”

 

Catch That Kid

Short of filling the popcorn bags with gerbil feces, I can't think of a way theaters could insult filmgoers more, particularly kids, than by showing this film. It's one of those awful films in which every cinematic cliché and preposterous situation is used precisely because the filmmakers believe that kids are too stupid to know the difference.”

 

A Cinderella Story

It's scary to imagine what kind of long-term effects a movie like this is going to have on the poor, poor teenage girls who watch it. I bet if you do a study in ten or twenty years, something like 50% of the girls who saw this film will end up as street hos while the other 50% will be working in fast food.”

 

The Girl Next Door

“It’s incompetently written and directed, yet somehow it's currently garnering above a 7 on the IMDB rating system, which means to me that either the teenagers in this country have finally succumbed to the combined stupefying effects of "The Passion of the Christ" and the moral indignation of the Bush administration, or that everyone director Luke Greenfield knows in Hollywood has logged on and voted.”

 

Honey

Here's a scary thought: This movie actually could have been titled "Glitter 2.”

 

The Order

“Character interactions are equally laughable. Mara (Shannyn Sossamon) comes on the scene to provide that all important "romantic tension." She escaped from a mental institution where she was locked up for trying to kill Alex. Fortunately, he still loves her. He's a priest and his woman tried to kill him, but he happily gives up the priesthood and safety to sleep with her. Isn't that how it always is?”

 

Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed

Sitting through this film I simply felt defeated. All I can hope is that there's no "Scooby Doo 3" or that I have a horrible accident with a lawn tractor just before it's released.”

 

New York Minute

“Honestly, that's the point of the movie where it probably descends into dynamite territory, but since it was an Olsen twins film to begin with, I had scratched out my corneas long ago.”

 

Timeline

“The casting is about the worst for any movie in recent memory. Paul Walker might be the most one-dimensional actor on the face of the Earth. He makes Keanu Reeves look like an emotive force.”