Feature Blogs

Annual Mr. Cranky Tribute - 2003

Created on Tuesday, 15 April 2003 21:00
Written by Matthew Toomey

 

It’s Easter and to keep things on a light note, it’s my annual tribute to Mr. Cranky. Again, if you’re not familiar, he’s a critic in America who gives every film a bad review. They score on a scale of 1 bomb to 4 bombs. 5 bombs equates to a stick of dynamite. And saved for special occasions is the nuclear explosion. He’s hilarious although I will quickly warn some of his reviews contain bad language. After a quick look through some of his more recent ravings, here’s some of his best works. You can get more at www.mrcranky.com and I highly recommend his full review of Kangaroo Jack as being the year’s best.

 

Die Another Day

“I don't know where the definition of "kiss of death" is in the Hollywood lexicon but "Madonna has a speaking part" is an indication that you're getting close. This woman couldn't be more stiff if she had an icicle in her rectum.” and “The only scene missing from "Die Another Day" was the one where Hillary Clinton slices James Bond's penis off and puts it in a jar. The movie, the franchise and the character were utterly emasculated in every other conceivable way.”

 

Darkness Falls

“Why is the only requirement for a horror film a body count? Script? Dialogue? Common sense? Does anybody think about any of these things while making a horror film? How about a scary villain? I know, let's stick a mask on something. Oooh, a mask. That's scary.”

 

Extreme Ops

“You walk out of the theatre and it's like the last 90 minutes of your life just vanished. It's kind of like "Solaris" where the planet creates a new person: When I walked out of "Extreme Ops" I was like a new Mr. Cranky who couldn't remember anything that had happened in my life up until that point, but I had some vague recollections of things. It's like that.”

 

Kangaroo Jack

“Faced with an invitation to accompany me to "Kangaroo Jack" to lend some support during the ordeal, my so-called "friends" were quick to evaporate into a miasma of excuses such as "I have to help a friend move," "My grandpa's having a stroke tonight" and "Frankly, I'd rather crap broken glass." This is the kind of movie that, once it's over, you leave the theater with your jacket over your head. I went to the ticket window alone, and alone confessed my shame: "One for 'Kangaroo Jack' please."”

 

Willard

“At one point during my viewing of "Willard," I considered whipping out my cell phone, calling Roto-Rooter and paying them to come to the theater and force those sharp, spinning blades of death into the end of my penis as though it were a clogged pipe, thereby masking the sick feeling I was having watching this disaster of a horror film and actually reducing my pain.”

 

The Adventures Of Pluto Nash

“No wonder my screening was so sparsely attended. Or perhaps it was the fact that the advance word on "Pluto Nash" is so bad that the cowardly studio declined to provide an advance screening of any kind in my area, meaning that I had to stare at a blank screen for two hours and make stuff up. The above is probably close enough. It might even be better than the movie.”

 

Bad Company

“In addition to this film, Joel Schumacher directed "Batman and Robin," which now makes him Hollywood's version of anthrax.” and “I don't know where anybody got the idea that Chris Rock could act, but the guy is making about as much progress in his new career as Corey Feldman is as a pop singer.”

 

Clockstoppers

“Actually, the blame for this lack of imagination lies not with Zak so much as with director Jonathan Frakes. Obviously, being trapped in his own "Star Trek" reality warp for ten years didn't lend Frakes much ability to communicate with audiences that aren't wearing Spock ears and talking back to the screen in Klingon.”

 

Fear Dot Com

“This inexplicable film doesn't deserve to be reviewed, but I went and saw it because I was feeling momentarily melancholy and decided I needed to ruin my day.”

 

Half Past Dead

“How bad is bad? If aliens are coming to Earth to investigate our television transmissions, they'll turn around the second this thing hits TNT. First-time writer and director Don Michael Paul should be run out of town and tried as a war criminal. The acting is so horrible that the very possibility that there might have been worse actors who didn't get these parts sends one reeling into the land of paradox. As for Steven Seagal, the only conclusion left to draw about him is that Buddhism must suck. If I were doctoring the terminally ill, I'd send them to see "Half Past Dead" so they could see just how long 90 minutes can be.”

 

Master Of Disguise

“If this is Dana Carvey's idea of a kid's movie, he should be arrested for child abuse. Admittedly, I watched the whole thing completely unaware that the studio intended "Master of Disguise" for kids, though I should have gotten the hint after the third or fourth fart joke. Ultimately, the film was so painfully unfunny that I gnawed one of my own feet off just to pass the time.”

 

Serving Sara

“While working on this movie, Matthew Perry checked himself into rehab for a drinking problem. Is there a kind of rehab where you can go for an acting problem? I think he's mistaken about what kinds of problems he has, because he's all but cemented a future of roles as the sidekick's sidekick.”

 

The Sweetest Thing

“Short of being attached to the bumper of a pickup truck by a cock ring and being dragged around the "great" state of Texas, I can't think of anything more painful than watching "The Sweetest Thing," which signals the end of Cameron Diaz's sanity, if not her career.”

 

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

“The message the movie sends to women might be even worse. First of all, I think the free tickets to my screening were given out in a tampon factory or something because the ratio of women to men was downright frightening. The token male dates in attendance looked like old dogs on their way to be euthanized.”

 

Cradle 2 The Grave

“This movie has Tom Arnold in it. That alone should provide half the U.S. population a good reason not to go anywhere near a theater showing this film. He's the "comic relief." Tom Arnold is to comedy what Osama Bin Laden is to globalization.”

 

Dreamcatcher

“Goldman should really consider hiding somewhere after this scriptwriting disaster. The movie is so chock-full of ripped off sequences, bad dialogue, illogical plot developments and inconsistent character transitions that Goldman might want to consider returning to UCLA in disguise and taking Screenwriting 101 for a refresher.”

 

Solaris

“You sit there, look around, and wonder why everyone is catatonic and how long it's going to be before you can get the hell out of there and do something else. "Solaris" is seriously slow. Minutes go by between sentences. Frankly, if I wanted to immerse myself into some kind of nihilist freak show, or discuss the nature of theology, I'd enroll in a freshman philosophy course where I could listen to all the 18-year-olds babble incessantly about what it is they think they know about the world.”

 

Spy Kids 2

“After watching "Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams" I had that same feeling I get after finding a breath mint on the floor of a public restroom. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's almost a state-of-being. It's that unnerving precipice between antiseptic and dirty as the pleasant taste of the breath mint slowly gives way to whatever it's been steeping in all day.”