Feature Blogs

Annual Mr. Cranky Tribute - 2001

Created on Tuesday, 19 June 2001 21:11
Written by Matthew Toomey
 
This week's update is dedicated to a favourite critic of mine who I'm always talking about - Mr. Cranky.  He gives every movie a bad review and just when you've stopped laughing having read the latest review, another one comes along that's even better.  So without delay, here's a tribute to the best of the best.
 
Blair Witch 2 - "I'm willing to bet that if you strapped an 8mm camera to the back of a nauseous cat and threw it in a small room, the resulting footage would be better than Blair Witch 2.  I would have rather seen director Joe Berlinger take one of those little camera probes and shove it up the ass of a fat man with bowel problems."
 
Easier Said  -  "When I die, I shall look back upon my life and regret nothing, except for the ninety minutes I spent watching this cinematic abomination."
 
The Bachelor  -  "I would have rather endured a habanero enema.  I would have rather engaged my penis in a wrestling match with an unhappy feret. Chris O'Donnell has a nose for comedy that would be out to better use in the ass of some animal.  Director Gary Sinyor should have his eyeballs melted so he can never look out of another camera again."
 
Bicentennial Man  -  "Like an elephant with a cactus stuck in its rectum, I'm just a bit peeved that Chris Columbus is still allowed to make movies."
 
Bats  -  "If you drank a cocktail of Vodka, Orange Juice and approximately two ounces of broken glass fragments, about two hours later, as the fragments have made their way through the tender tissue of your small intestine, you'd come pretty close to the sort of pain dished out by Bats."
 
Entrapment  -  "Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy have better chemistry than Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones."
 
Inspector Gadget  -  "It's really a miracle that there wasn't some kind of Jonestown-type suicide epidemic after the initial screenings of this film."
 
Knock Off  -  "I feel bad for Jean-Claude Van Damme's proctologist.  If his acting is any indication, it must take a lot of time and several hydraulic tools to get that guy's ass cheeks to separate."
 
Lost And Found  -  "I don't know what I ate prior to this film, but I had really bad gas throughout.  Normally, I would hold my discharges inside and pray not to explode in the middle of the film.  However, it became readily apprarent about ten minutes into this David Spade vehicle that by driving people from the theatre with my smelling methane bombs, I was actually doing the audience a favour."
 
McHale's Navy  -  "It truly boggles the mind that a thinking human being actually invested money in a movie based on a bad television show and starring Tom Arnold."
 
Saving Silverman  -  "This film caused the kind of pain I'd normally associate with being shot through the thigh by a rusty nail from a high-powered nail gun or having to tear my penis off the top of the toilet seat because I'd accidentally super glued it there."
 
See Spot Run  -  "David Arquette, however, is a special case.  He's not really an actor, and he hasn't had a career, so short of masturbating on a public figure, it would be hard for him to lose much respectability, having had none to begin with."
 
Tomcats  -  "Did writer/director Gregory Poirier make this thing up as he went along or did he just start each morning by injecting crack directly into his brain?  Given that his 2001 writing credits also include See Spot Run, one can only assume that the answer is both.  The only good part of the film is that David Ogden Stiers eats a testicle."
 
Valentine  -  "Only one thing could have saved this film.  Two words: lesbian orgy."
 
Urban Legend  -  "has about as many surprises as a porn film."
 
The Loss Of Sexual Innocence  -  "Mike Figgis brings subtlety to cinema like Microsoft brings freedom of choice to home computing."
 
A Night At The Roxbury  -  "Among the most amazing things about the movie is that it took three guys to write the screenplay.  This bolsters my belief in the theory that one day a species of ape will indeed pen a film script and get it produced in Hollywood."
 
Sweet November  -  "Unless you're a pancake, this movie is so over-the-top syrupy it's about as much fun as being duct-taped to Richard Simmons on ecstasy."