Feature Blogs

One Final Mr. Cranky Tribute

 

It’s time for one of my fun newsletters for the year.

 

For about 10 years ago, I’ve had a lot fun reading the movie reviews of Mr. Cranky. This guy reviews as his name suggests. No matter how good a film is, he gives it a bad review. Whenever I see a really bad film, I like looking up his website to see just how bad he thought it was. Mr. Cranky has such a way with words. If you’re interested in more on Mr. Cranky, you can check out more on his website at www.mrcranky.com.

 

The sad news is that Mr. Cranky is about to retire. He’s been reviewing since 1995 and he’ll be hanging up the boots at the end of August 2008. It won’t be the same without him.

 

And so, this will probably be my final Mr. Cranky tribute (I try to do one a year). To go out in style, I’m going to draw from all my old newsletters and come up with my all-time favourites.

 

Now before you go any further, be aware that Mr. Cranky doesn’t hold back. He uses some very crude language. It's up to you if you'd like to read on. Here we go...

 

Easier Said

"When I die, I shall look back upon my life and regret nothing, except for the ninety minutes I spent watching this cinematic abomination."

 

The Bachelor

"I would have rather endured a habanero enema. I would have rather engaged my penis in a wrestling match with an unhappy feret. Chris O'Donnell has a nose for comedy that would be out to better use in the ass of some animal. Director Gary Sinyor should have his eyeballs melted so he can never look out of another camera again."

 

Bats

"If you drank a cocktail of Vodka, Orange Juice and approximately two ounces of broken glass fragments, about two hours later, as the fragments have made their way through the tender tissue of your small intestine, you'd come pretty close to the sort of pain dished out by Bats."

 

Lost And Found

"I don't know what I ate prior to this film, but I had really bad gas throughout. Normally, I would hold my discharges inside and pray not to explode in the middle of the film. However, it became readily apparent about ten minutes into this David Spade vehicle that by driving people from the theatre with my smelling methane bombs, I was actually doing the audience a favour."

 

A Night At The Roxbury

"Among the most amazing things about the movie is that it took three guys to write the screenplay. This bolsters my belief in the theory that one day a species of ape will indeed pen a film script and get it produced in Hollywood."

 

Jeepers Creepers

"According to the Internet Movie Database, the writer/director of this film, Victor Salva, is a convicted child molester. I guess just about anything is forgiven in Hollywood unless you happen to diddle Michael Eisner's kids by mistake. Give Salva credit though - he's gone from molesting children to molesting whole audiences. He's moving up in the world."

 

Kangaroo Jack

“Faced with an invitation to accompany me to "Kangaroo Jack" to lend some support during the ordeal, my so-called "friends" were quick to evaporate into a miasma of excuses such as "I have to help a friend move," "My grandpa's having a stroke tonight" and "Frankly, I'd rather crap broken glass." This is the kind of movie that, once it's over, you leave the theater with your jacket over your head. I went to the ticket window alone, and alone confessed my shame: "One for 'Kangaroo Jack' please."”

 

The Adventures Of Pluto Nash

“No wonder my screening was so sparsely attended. Or perhaps it was the fact that the advance word on "Pluto Nash" is so bad that the cowardly studio declined to provide an advance screening of any kind in my area, meaning that I had to stare at a blank screen for two hours and make stuff up. The above is probably close enough. It might even be better than the movie.”

 

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

“The message the movie sends to women might be even worse. First of all, I think the free tickets to my screening were given out in a tampon factory or something because the ratio of women to men was downright frightening. The token male dates in attendance looked like old dogs on their way to be euthanized.”

 

Taxi

“The humor in "Taxi" isn't found in the audience laughing at the situations, but rather in the entire multiplex staff peeking into the theater and laughing at any person stupid enough to actually pay money to watch this thing.”

 

Bewitched

“A movie based on a TV show would be incestuous and uninteresting enough, but "Bewitched” dares to be a movie about the making of a remake of a TV show. It's set on a studio set. Its actors play actors. The whole thing is the creative equivalent of fantasizing about masturbating because you're too lazy to bother actually doing it.”

 

See Spot Run

"David Arquette, however, is a special case. He's not really an actor, and he hasn't had a career, so short of masturbating on a public figure, it would be hard for him to lose much respectability, having had none to begin with."

 

The Sweetest Thing

“Short of being attached to the bumper of a pickup truck by a cock ring and being dragged around the "great" state of Texas, I can't think of anything more painful than watching "The Sweetest Thing," which signals the end of Cameron Diaz's sanity, if not her career.”

 

See ya next week!