Feature Blogs

Dalkeith: Worst Movie Ever Made?


I have just returned from what can only be described as the worst film I have ever seen.  I feel bad in saying that because it's not like the film really deserved it.


Tonight I saw a film called Dalkeith.  It was shown at the Palace Centro in a once off screening for people associated with the greyhound industry.  It was made by a filmmaker from Ballarat and it was filmed on super 16 to a digital finish.  At our screening, the film was stored on a laptop which when hooked up to a projector, allowed it to be shown on the main theatre screen.


It is the story of a group of residents in a nursing home who adopt a greyhound, come to love it and run it in races.  They profit financially and the dog becomes a superstar.  The screenplay is abysmal and the acting horrendous.  It's worse than a year 11 media studies assignment.


To make matters worse, the sound and picture was out of sync for the last half hour.  So when people's lips were moving on screen, I wasn't always hearing noise.  The picture kept stuttering at several stages and got stuck for at least 30 seconds during a pivotal scene at the end.


I have seen a lot of films but this is the funniest thing I have ever seen.  I guess it's what it must have been like to see films made by the late Ed Wood.  For much of the film, I couldn't keep a straight face - I was working unbelievable hard not to laugh out loud but it was a struggle.  During a ten minute stretch, I closed my eyes and just tried to think of something depressing just to pull myself back together.  But then I'd look up at the screen and all the hilarity would come flooding back.  To make matters worse, the film's producer was in the cinema and I didn't want to offend.


On surviving the 90 minutes, I raced out of the cinema and burst into a spastic fit of laughter.  I could not help myself.  This is the hardest I think I have ever laughed in many years and certainly the loudest having walked out of a cinema!  My face was red, my eyes watering, my nose running, my stomach aching.  After racing across the street to get away from the other patrons, a friend of mine almost threw up he was laughing so violently.


This is certainly an experience worth sharing.  How can a movie so bad be so much fun.  Don't worry if you're interested in seeing the film - it was a one off screening.  So no review will follow but if you use your imagination, you'll find the adjectives to express how I feel.