Feature Blogs

Mr. Cranky v. Mr. Smiley

A funny story now.  One of my favourite critics, Mr. Cranky, is on vacation for Halloween and in his place is Mr. Smiley, who unlike Mr. Cranky, only gives good reviews.  Here's just an hilarious look at the scales of both critics:
Mr Smiley:
  1 Smiley Face
     - "Fantastic! The feel good hit of the season!"
  2 Smiley Faces
     - "If I had a third thumb, it'd be up too!"
  3 Smiley Faces
     - "Like having an orgasm and saving the whales, all at the same time!"
  4 Smiley Faces
     - "Like humping Snuggles, the fabric softener bear!"
  5 Smiley Faces or a Prozac Tablet
     - "Prozacerrific!  Wow, I can't feel my feet!"
Mr. Cranky
   1 Bomb
     - "Almost tolerable"
   2 Bombs
     - "Consistently annoying"
   3 Bombs
     - "Will require therapy after viewing"
   4 Bombs
     - "As good as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"
   5 Bombs or a Block of Dynamite
     - "So godawful that it ruptured the very fabric of space and time with the sheer overpowering force of its mediocrity."
   6 Bombs (reserved for special occassions)
     - "A festering wound in the anus of cinema" or "Proof that Jesus died in vein."
I much prefer Mr. Cranky.  So to finish this week (as I did back in a June issue), here's a few more great quotes from Mr. Cranky:
Glitter -
"This film does for musical pseudo biopics what Showgirls did for stripper films. I was told this film was only 86 minutes and it turned out to be 106 minutes. Boy, was I looking for someone to beat me senseless during that extra 20 minutes."
Kiss Of The Dragon -
"This story is so full of cliches and logical mishaps that director Chis Nahon, Jet Li and screenwriter Luc Besson could have achieved a better result by scavenging failed literary endeavors from kindergarten trash bins."
Zoolander -
"Most of the film's humour is derived from Zoolander making faces, which is funny for about two seconds, after which it comes the kind of excuse people use from yelling "fire" in a crowded theater."
Planet Of The Apes -
"If there's a sequel to this piece of crap, it establishes that we are already living on a planet of apes."
Ghosts Of Mars -
"Natasha Henstridge in a movie about strip-mining.  How could such a thing not include a nude scene or two?  Is there no God?"
Jeepers Creepers -
"According to the Internet Movie Database, the writer/director of this film, Victor Salva, is a convicted child molester.  I guess just about anything is forgiven in Hollywood unless you happen to diddle Michael Eisner's kids by mistake.  Give Salva credit though - he's gone from molesting children to molesting whole audiences.  He's moving up in the world."