Timeline


Directed by: Richard Donner
Written by:Jeff Maguire, George Nolfi
Starring: Paul Walker, Frances O’Connor, Gerard Butler, Billy Connolly, David Thewlis, Anna Friel
Released: February 5, 2004
Grade: C

They say simple movies can be described in a single sentence.  Timeline is the story of an archaeologist who uses an experimental time machine to travel back to 14th century France, becomes stuck, and has a group of friends come to rescue him.

A Timeline by Matthew Toomey.

7:02pm – Enter theatre.

7:15pm – Advertisements commence.

7:18pm – Trailers commence (Open Range, One Perfect Day, The Missing).

7:24pm – Film begins.

7:26pm – Eyebrows peak.  I didn’t realise Billy Connolly was in this.

7:31pm – Finish popcorn.

7:34pm – Think to myself “this isn’t too bad”.

7:35pm – Things start to turn against me.

7:40pm – Paul Walker utters a line of dialogue.  I cringe.

7:52pm – Fail to grasp the idea that archaeologists are better fighters than fully trained army men.

7:55pm – Wonder why everyone speaks the same fluent English in the 14th century as they do in the 21st century (including the French).

8:00pm – Stomach churns when watching Paul Walker and Frances O’Connor share a first kiss despite being in a life-threatening situation.

8:03pm – Start to realise the film doesn’t make any sense and is completely unrealistic (even for a time travel movie).

8:13pm – Look at watch.

8:18pm – Wonder about how I can adequately sum up my dislike for this movie in my review.

8:22pm – Wonder if John Crichton’s book is better than this.

8:25pm – Think about what I’m doing next week.

8:27pm – See a French actor I recognise from another movie but can’t place his face.

8:29pm – Realise the actor is the guy who played Merovingian in The Matrix: Reloaded.

8:36pm – Look at watch.  Realise there’s about 30 minutes to go.

8:42pm – Struggle to comprehend why a great Australian actress like Frances O’Connor would sign up for this and deliver such mindless dialogue.

8:49pm – Lose complete track of the plot and quietly chuckle at how mediocre the battle scenes look.

8:54pm – Look at watch.  Think about whether I’ll be able to get home in time to see the golf highlights on Fox Sports News.

8:59pm – Realise the David Thewlis character is one of the most useless I have ever seen.

9:01pm – Look at watch.  Realise the end is nigh.  Hope it’ll be a really short conclusion.

9:05pm – Credits start rolling.  Leave theatre immediately.  Over a woman in the lobby say “well I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece but that was terrible.”