Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 01 November 2001

How can I possibly describe how bad this film was?  Carey plays Billie Frank, who we meet as an 8-year-old being abandoned by her mother and sent to an orphanage to be raised.  When she grows up, she gets a job as a dancer in a club with two friends where she is discovered by producer Timothy Walker looking for three girls to work as back up singers for his girlfriend.

Along comes DJ, Julian “Dice” Black (Beesley), who sees Billie’s undiscovered talent and buys her from Walker for $100,000 to produce himself.  She becomes an instant success and the two fall in love.  Billie discovers that fame isn’t all it cracked up to be with pressure from the record company to remove Dice as her producer and it’s putting a strain on their relationship.  Further, Walker is still chasing Dice for his money and doesn’t plan on waiting much longer…

It is a farcical to think that Glitter could actually be made.  Mariah Carey can sing (although that’s also the subject of debate) but she is the worst actress I have ever, ever, ever seen.  She pauses before every line and speaks in the same soft monotonous voice.  Making her look even more pathetic is the obvious miming she does during the film’s major singing scenes.

The script and dialogue are disgraceful.  Whilst the story is apparently based on aspects of Mariah’s own upbringing, I couldn’t give a shit whether Billie became a huge star and/or rekindled her love for Dice.  Frankly, it would have been more interesting if she developed into a drug addict.  Whilst the film still would have been terrible, it might have saved it from every worst film list across the country.

Every minute plays like an hour and this is filmmaking’s lowest ebb for some time.  Last week I punished Ghosts of Mars but this is a far worse crime.  This is sheer torture.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 01 November 2001

For three consecutive years, Derek Zoolander (Stiller) has been voted the world’s number one model.  This year, he’s faced competition from new kid on the block, Hansel (Wilson) and in a major upset, steals Zoolander’s title at the annual fashion award show.  Devastated by the loss, Derek decides it’s time to retire.  As he says – “maybe there’s more to life than being good looking.”

On the other side of the globe, leading fashion designer Jacobim Mugatu (Ferrell) is facing a financial crisis.  The new prime minister of Malaysia is proposing legislation that will abolish the use of sweatshops and increase pay rates.  With the majority of Mugatu’s clothing made in Malaysia, the increased costs will ruin his competitive market edge.

With the help of his assistant, Katinka (Jovovich), Mugatu convinces Derek to return from retirement and to market his new revolutionary clothing range.  However, following a massage arranged by Katinka, Derek is brainwashed and told to kill the Malaysian prime minister when he attends the clothing launch in New York.

Following Derek for some time has been Time Magazine journalist Matilda Jeffries (Taylor) who despite trashing Derek in a recent article, senses an even bigger story is brewing and that maybe Derek isn’t the mindless self-absorbed model she originally thought.

Initial trailers indicated this film was another cheap shot on the fashion industry but I couldn’t be more wrong.  Zoolander is a subtle parody that mocks the predictability of recent Hollywood scripts.  Stiller is incredible in the leading role and his distinctive voice and monotonous personality is very, very funny.

In fact, the whole cast is great and definitely one of the most well chosen of the year.  Will Ferrell is insanely impressive and Milla Jovovich is unrecognisable.  And what about the cameos?  Cameos are often a tacky way of surprising (and sometimes waking up) the audience but the regularity of big stars popping in for the tinniest of roles was a major plus.  Not to spoil all the surprises but the vast list includes Donald Trump, Natalie Portman, Tommy Hilfiger, Cuba Gooding Jr, Fabio, Lenny Kravitz, David Bowie, Gary Shandling, Lukas Hass, Claudia Schiffer, Sandra Bernhard, Stephen Dorff, Billy Zane, Lance Bass, Winona Ryder and Vince Vaughn.

In the tradition of Austin Powers, Zoolander is a fresh comedy that takes parodies to a higher level.  There’s no gross-out jokes, there’s no toilet humour.  It is simple comedy at the expense of one guy who as the posters say “is 3% body fat, 1% brain activity.”  It seems Ben Stiller is back in my good books again…for now.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 01 November 2001

Hedwig is a vibrant transsexual singer and together with his band, The Angry Inch, he plays in sickly clubs and restaurants to small and disinterested audiences.  The opening half of the film introduces us to Hedwig’s inventive musical stylings.  The film is based on the stage play written by John Cameron Mitchell and friend Stephen Trask.  Viewer discretion is advised but anyone with an open mind will openly laugh at some of these songs.  Just wait till you find out about the Angry Inch really means.

The second half of the film changes tone as we learn about Hedwig and his relationship with young rock star Tommy Gnosis (Pitt).  We’re given early clues to the story but we soon learn how the struggling Hedwig came to be associated with one of music’s most successful icons.  Hedwig and Tommy were once close and performed together in clubs.  But then Tommy found fame, stole Hedwig’s songs and was never heard from again.

Hedwig And The Angry Inch is a fantastically touching, funny musical that stands out in a year of lifeless releases.  Mitchell not only co-wrote the play (which was performed off-Broadway for over two years), he wrote the screenplay for the film, took on the challenge as director, and plays the feature role of Hedwig.  His creative style, illustrated perfectly by the film’s title, will undoubtedly leave many dazzled with an equal number distressed.

The film has been called the next Rocky Horror Picture Show but Hedwig will show that times have changed.  Whilst the clothes may still be the same, the humour is discerningly different.  So let me close with a line from the mouth of Hedwig himself - “when I think about all the people that I have come upon in my travels, I have to think about all the people that have come upon me.”

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 25 October 2001

Nathan’s perfect life is about to come in collide with Patrick Koster (Bean).  Ten years ago, Koster was shafted following a bank robbery he orchestrated when a partner ran off with a million dollar ruby.  After being tracked down, he threw himself in front of a moving subway train when he wouldn’t reveal the location of the ruby but police witnessed to the act and Koster was put away.

Now, having just been released, Koster knows there’s only one person who knows where the ruby is.  That person is 18-year-old Elizabeth Burrows (Murphy), the daughter of Koster’s victim, but she’s been in a mental hospital for some time having failed to come to grips with her father’s murder.  Dr Nathan Conrad has been asked by a good friend to take a look at Elizabeth and see if she can be helped.

Nathan is not the only one concerned about her well-being.  Koster kidnaps Nathan’s daughter and is going to use her as leverage.  He tells Nathan that inside Elizabeth’s mind is a 6-digit number that will reveal the location of the ruby and unless he can get her to open up by 5pm, his daughter will be killed.  Nathan fiercely protests the lack of time but as reality sets in, he knows the clock is ticking and he’ll have to call on all his skill and nerve to find the answers.

Don't Say A Word applies traditional Hollywood formulas with little deviation.  The sterile characters and setting make the film a dull bore.  The lack of suspense also sucks the film into an unemotional void.  Michael Douglas is just going through the motions as the screenwriters have given him little to work with.  It’s all silly nonsense really and once you find out what the 6-digit number is for, you’ll give a quiet chuckle.

Unlike the film’s title, I won’t keep my opinions suppressed and have no qualms in writing off a most overrated production.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 01 November 2001

Jewel then breaks down and confesses that the whole car scene was a set up and Randy was about to be robbed by her “boyfriend”.  Now that she’d met Randy and seen what a nice guy he was, she couldn’t go through with it.  However, before the robbery can be aborted, the boyfriend shows up and in a sudden turn of events, is killed by Jewel with a bullet to the back of the head.

After some light convincing from Jewel, Randy decides he doesn’t want her going through anymore trauma and he himself claims responsibility for firing the gun in self defence.  Detective Dehling (Goodman) immediately picks holes in Randy’s story and decides further investigation will be required.

Over the coming weeks, Randy finds that Jewel isn’t the innocent victim she’s made out to be.  She immediately moves in with Randy, starts renovating the house and is the dominating member in their new relationship.  Every time he protests, Jewel piles on the sex to make Randy forget all his troubles.

To complicate matters, Randy’s lawyer uncle, Carl (Reiser), was also at the bar that night and he too fell head over heels for Jewel.  When word arrived that his cousin was seeing her, he started paying Randy a lot more visits just to be close to Jewel.  Let’s not forget Detective Dehling who has also flipped for Jewel and is looking for any reason to bust Randy to break up the relationship.

Despite poor jokes and unoriginal plot developments, the interacting stories of these three guys makes for light-hearted entertainment.  Michael Douglas plays a hitman hired by Randy to kill Jewel and is the pick of the bunch.  Douglas is also an executive producer and I think he’s played this small role to help boost the film’s profile.

One Night At McCool’s has a warped sense of humour and there’s an unnecessary overkill of sex and violence.  The sight of Paul Reiser in bondage has also left nasty images in my mind.  What was he thinking?  Still, I’ve seen a lot worse this year and so long has you can hold my attention for a while, it’ll escape with a passing grade.