Reviews
Pearl Harbor
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Michael Bay |
| Written by: | Randall Wallace |
| Starring: | Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, Kate Beckinsale, Cuba Gooding Jr, Alec Baldwin, William Lee Scott, Jon Voight, Ewan Bremner |
| Released: | June 7, 2001 |
| Grade: | C+ |
Having just wasted three hours, I’ll cut right to the chase. With all the advertising and publicity (the premiere alone cost $9m), most will already have an understanding of the story. Rafe (Affleck) and Danny (Hartnett) are best buddies and great fighter pilots. As World War II continues, Rafe is assigned to help the British fight the advancing Germans. He will be torn from his new love, an army nurse named Evelyn (Beckinsale), who has been posted at Pearl Harbor.
When Rafe’s plane is shot down, word of his death reaches America which shatters both Evelyn and Danny. Months pass before the two run into each other at a cinema and in discussing their depression at a local cafe, a romantic connection forms between them. However, their newly found happiness will be short-lived when Rafe turns up alive to complicate the situation...
Before anyone has a chance to comprehend Rafe’s survival, Pearl Harbor is bombed by a Japanese sneak attack. History tells us that over 3,700 were killed in just a few hours on December 7, 1941 and it signalled the start of America’s involvement in World War II.
Look, I have never been a fan of director Michael Bay and all his films (Armageddon, The Rock and Bad Boys) are bullshit. Pearl Harbor is his attempt to tackle more important subject material (kind of like what Steven Spielberg did in making Schindler’s List). Unfortunately, the film has all the trademarks of Michael Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer.
Despite visual effects wizardry and blistering action sequences, these characters have no soul. I love to hear beautifully spoken dialect but it’s more suited to a Shakespearean drama and not a war epic. These people speak as if every sentence has been crafted from hours of thought which doesn’t add to the drama but rather adds to the laughter.
There’s beautiful cinematography from John Schwartzman and deep music from Hans Zimmer but is it appropriate in a war setting? Do we really have to have romantic scenes played out in slow motion to soft lullabies on coastal settings? At times during the key action sequence, I felt I was watching a rock video with all the music, editing and changes in pace.
I went into the film with pessimism but I do concede that on more than one occasion, I had that queasy emotion feeling. Yet every time I tried to lose my heart in this story, a stupid line or a corny sequence would slip me back to the reality that is the darkened cinema. The only difference between this film and Armageddon is that the story is based on an actual event - nothing else has effectively changed.
I could continue to criticise the numerous flaws that many others have pointed out regarding historical inaccuracies. I nearly pewked when an Englishman said “if all American pilots are as good as you, then god help anyone who attacks America”. Cuba Gooding Jr is thrown in as the token black character who (like he does in Men Of Honor) rises against the white supremacists and wins respect. It didn’t come as any surprise either to see the Japanese portrayed so negatively - why would any female want to root for an ugly Japanese guy when Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett are on the other team? I will single out Jon Voight as the only cast member to impresses with his portrayal of President Roosevelt.
So there you have it - the biggest blockbuster of the year is a disappointment. Still, it’ll make $500m worldwide at the box-office and leave Bay and Bruckheimer to contemplate another historical event to rape on the big screen. I guess it doesn’t matter what event they choose because when you can spend $200m on special effects, who needs a script? It reminds of the famous line when 30’s B-grade director Ed Wood was asked if the script was ready for his new movie - “fuck no!” he said, “but there’s a poster!”
Head Over Heels
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Mark S. Waters |
| Written by: | Ron Burch, David Kidd |
| Starring: | Monica Potter, Freddie Prinze Jr, Shalom Harlow, Ivana Milicevic, Sarah O’Hare |
| Released: | May 31, 2001 |
| Grade: | C- |
Head Over Heels is a mind-numbingly horrendous film. I have trashed all the recent teen comedies including Down To You and Boys And Girls and enough is enough. Four writers are credited with the screenplay (not good) and have taken the “best of the worst” from past teen flicks (including Freddie Prinze Jr) to make a super-stinker.
The film was under my skin before the opening credits had even finished. In the most ludicrous plot I have witnessed in some time, we meet Amanda (Potter) as a successful painting restorer who has sworn off men since she inadvertently walked in on her boyfriend sleeping with another. Forced to find new living arrangements she finds a luxurious apartment that is home to four models (including Australian Sarah O’Hare) enjoying a swanky lifestyle.
In the lobby, she meets young fashion executive Jim Winston (Prinze Jr) and in a gooey moment, they both fall “head over heels”. It transpires that Jim lives in the apartment across the street which is clearly visible from Amanda’s place. Having arranged a first date on Saturday, Amanda is keeping a close eye on her man but one night after a party, the shadows through his curtains give the appearance that he’s beaten a young girl over the head with a baseball bat.
Normally I would stop at this point to save the surprise for those that actually do want to see the movie but given the circumstances, I need to spoil it for you. It so happens that Jim is actually an FBI agent and the killing was only an act because a Russian mafia guy was also watching from another window and Jim’s cover would be blown otherwise. In the “dramatic” conclusion, the four models, Amanda and Jim end up at a fashion show where the bad guys are apprehended, and Jim fesses up to Amanda that his real name is Bob Smouthe. After Amanda’s whole “I can’t deal with this” episode (lasting 5 minutes), they both realise they can’t live without each other. Awwww.
I don’t know why Freddie Prinze Jr continues with this teen crap (he’s now 25 years old). Is it because he’s such a bad actor that studios won’t offer him serious roles? I must also use this opportunity to reprehend Sarah O’Hare for the worst performance of the year. She plays an Australian and here’s a sampling of what she had to say - “Of course I love water - I come from Australia which is an island”. There were also several jokes about uncles and cousins in the outback wanting to sleep with her.
This is the kind of film where I wish I could record my own commentary for the DVD so that I could dissect and destroy every single scene. The film started rolling at 7:10pm and I walked out just as the final credits started rolling at 8:27pm. That’s just 77 minutes of actual film and I’ll bet it was cut 100 times before being released. In hindsight, they should have cut the whole film and burnt it to a crisp.
I don’t want people thinking I’m overly harsh so as final proof, here’s a few quotes from some of America’s leading critics - “Prinze’s acting has the soulful depth of a glass of Nestle’s Quick and the complex nuances of a toasted slice of Wonder Bread”, “the first truly tasteless motion picture of 2001”, “the sorriest piece of work that’s been greenlit in over a year of weak Hollywood product”, “it doesn’t just insult our intelligence, it assumes we haven’t any”, “completely idiotic”, “as dumb as a post”, and “apocalyptically bad”. Mr Cranky himself said “I was looking for an aerosol can and a match so I could set fire to the screen”.
I’ll finish with one final thought from critic Mike Clark of USA Today which had me chuckling most of all - “It feels like a movie some other actress rejected - you can almost see Sandra Bullock using the screenplay manuscript as a coffee coaster.” Isn’t it funny that the reviews are more entertaining than the film? Normally not a good sign.
3000 Miles To Graceland
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Demian Lichtenstein |
| Written by: | Richard Recco, Demian Lichtenstein |
| Starring: | Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Courteney Cox, Christian Slater, Kevin Pollack, David Arquette, Jon Lovitz, Howe Long, Thomas Haden Church |
| Released: | May 24, 2001 |
| Grade: | B- |
Michael Zane (Russell) has just finished a five year stint in the slammer but he’s already got a new illegal scheme in the works. With a team led by old friend Thomas Murphy (Costner), they plan to rob a Las Vegas casino during Elvis Week. The big event gives them the perfect disguise and dressed entirely in Elvis gear (complete with sideburns), they walk away with over three million dollars.
From this point, it’s all a matter of trust. Wants all the money for himself, Murphy kills the rest of the team in a motel room. Michael expected just as much and survives thanks to the bullet proof vest he was wearing. Taking the money himself, Michael escapes with hotel owner Cybil (Cox) and her 9-year-old son and heads north to escape the authorities. However Murphy is on his tail and the cops aren’t much further behind...
Rated R for its heavy violence, 3000 Miles To Graceland begins well. I wasn’t sure what the story was about and the opening plays more like a comedy. Following the robbery, the film takes a darker tone and fizzles with an overly serious weak ending that relies on too many coincidences. The film is over two hours in length which is an arduous duration to sit through considering the ending isn’t worth it.
Kurt Russell gives a great performance as an Elvis impersonator and the rest of the cast are generally good also. I’m always plugging good opening credits and this film has some inventively created computer graphics. 3000 Miles To Graceland doesn’t offer much and with much better currently screening, won’t be showing for much longer.
Monkeybone
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Henry Selick |
| Written by: | Sam Hamm |
| Starring: | Brendan Fraser, Bridget Fonda, Chris Kattan, Giancarlo Esposito, Rose McGowan |
| Released: | May 31, 2001 |
| Grade: | C |
Writer Stu Miley (Fraser) has had a major career breakthrough with his cartoon character, Monkeybone, being picked up by the Comedy Channel who have commissioned six episodes to be made. Stu is a quiet guy who isn’t ready for Hollywood and won’t succumb to commercialism. Despite the urgings of his agent Herb (Dave Foley), he doesn’t want stuffed Monkeybones in toy stores or Monkeybone Happy Meals in fast-food restaurants.
In a car accident with his girlfriend Julie (Fonda), Stu slips into a deep coma. As his body remains motionless in the real world, Stu’s mind finds itself trapped in a bizarre world of nightmares known as Downtown. There’s a crazy assortment of characters (including Monkeybone) who are waiting for an “exit ticket” from Death (played by Whoopi Goldberg) so that they can awake and return to their original lives.
After spending three months in a coma, Stu’s sister is ready to pull the plug. In Downtown, Monkeybone has orchestrated a scheme and steals an “exit ticket” so he can check out the real world for himself in Stu’s body. So when Stu awakes just before the plug is pulled, everyone is overjoyed until they find that Stu isn’t quite the same person...
Monkeybone is a very strange film that some critics have called adventurous but I found muddled and lacking logic. Brendan Fraser has a knack for being silly on screen but I feel I’ve seen this side of Fraser one too many times (as in Bedazzled, Dudley Do-Right, Blast From The Past and George Of The Jungle). He was brilliant in 1998’s Gods And Monsters but hasn’t capitalised on the critical acclaim and seems content to play unchallenging characters.
Fraser shouldn’t be singled out because the whole cast is inappropriate. Dave Foley, Rose McGowan and especially Whoopi Goldberg don’t seem to know what they’re doing. Director Henry Selick’s previous two films, The Nightmare Before Christmas and James And The Giant Peach, were both animated and a cast not required. Hopefully he has learnt lessons from this experience.
Monkeybone will go down in history as a box-office bomb with its rumoured $75m budget. The film didn’t even make $6m in the United States which shows that a film can be original and unimpressive at the same time. Don’t expect anything similar anytime soon.
Joe Dirt
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Dennie Gordon |
| Written by: | David Spade, Fred Wolf |
| Starring: | David Spade, Brittany Daniel, Dennis Miller, Adam Beach, Christopher Walken |
| Released: | May 24, 2001 |
| Grade: | C+ |
For those people who didn’t want to see Moulin Rouge this weekend an alternative had to be offered and it came in the form of Joe Dirt. Television ads are telling us the film is from the producers of Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and Big Daddy - I don’t think it’s an angle the studio should be promoting.
Joe Dirt (Spade) was left by his parents at the Grand Canyon when he was eight years old and he’s been on a quest to find them ever since. His journey is an interesting one, well at least according to radio DJ Zander Kelly (Miller) it is, because he drags Joe into the studio to tell his story live on air. That’s where the story begins and we soon learn that Joe is not a loser, but a decent human being who is often taken advantage of.
Sorry if I don’t start crying with sentiment but it is a very strange story and I don’t know why the writers (which include Spade) have gone for the schmaltzy ending. I find Spade a very funny actor and we see him on TV in Just Shoot Me but he’s also been in such hilarious films as Tommy Boy and Senseless. He still had me chucking in Joe Dirt but I would have preferred to see him tackle more provocative and adventurous humour then the standard gross-out garbage that continues to be served up.
There’s one scene where Joe is covered in liquefied shit and that seemed to get the biggest laugh from the audience. Now do you understand why I’m not glowing with praise? In two weeks, Freddie Got Fingered will be released which threatens to go even further into the pit. I am already bracing myself for the experience.
Series 7: The Contenders
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Daniel Minahan |
| Written by: | Daniel Minahan |
| Starring: | Brooke Smith, Marylouise Burke, Glenn Fitzgerald, Michael Kaycheck, Richard Venture, Merritt Wever |
| Released: | May 31, 2001 |
| Grade: | A |
Tired of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Sick of Survivor? Bored with Big Brother? Never fear because The Contenders is back with an all new series and six lucky contestants. Drawn from a lottery, each contender is given a loaded handgun and they’re filmed 24 hours a day. The game continues until just one person remains alive and first prize is better than anything money can buy - their life.
So let’s meet the contenders of series 7. Two-time defending champion Dawn Lagarto (33) is eight months pregnant but she’s back to fight for her life again - current odds: even money. Retired Indiana resident Franklin James (72) is a conspiracy theorist and could just be crazy enough to pull this off - current odds: 20-1. Connecticut student Lindsay Berns (18) has teen support and her high SAT scores may compensate for her lack of experience - current odds: 9-5. Tony Reilly (38) is an unemployed asbestos-remover and Jersey native whose marriage and life are on the rocks - current odds: 3-1. Connie Trabucco (53) is a Californian ER nurse who despite being a devout Catholic, knows a thing or two about lethal injections - current odds: 5-1. Jeffrey Norman (33) is an artist from Connecticut and is terminally ill with testicular cancer so has nothing to lose - current odds: 10-1.
Stay tuned because tonight the first contestant will be killed and a shock revelation will be uncovered. All this and much more on Series 7: The Contenders. Warning: Due to the graphic nature of the following program, viewer discretion is advised.
This hilarious spoof is one of the funniest films of the year. Shot on a shoestring budget from writer/director Daniel Minahan, it pokes fun at television and the recent obsession with reality-based and expose-styled programs. The film is shot mostly with handheld cameras and looks like a bad episode of Cops as we chase our contestants around. Every time someone is interviewed, the camera slowly zooms in looking like something you’d see in a soap opera. The narration and poorly made re-enactments will bring back memories of Hard Copy and Australia’s Most Wanted all over again. The film even teases us every 10-15 minutes with previews of what’s to come (as if we were going to an add break and they want to hold our attention).
Last week I criticised 15 Minutes for its one-sidedness and it’s ironic that just one week later, I can talk about a film that does the job right. Series 7: The Contenders doesn’t tell us that television has gone wrong. If anything, it tells us that whilst often predictable, there are plenty of great ideas and concepts to be explored on the smaller screen.
So make sure you get home from work on time so as not to miss tonight’s Contenders 90-minute marathon where the final winner will be revealed. Can Dawn defend for the third straight season or will a long-shot pull an upset? The winner will be revealed...after this break.