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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 20 January 2006

Our film begins with a pretty, young lady reading a magazine aboard a train.  She looks as sweet and innocent as any person could be.  That is until the train reaches its destination and a team of police officers come aboard.  They had been notified by an attendant who observed a red liquid oozing from the lady’s trunk, stored in the baggage cabin.  On opening, two bodies were found – that of the lady’s husband and his mistress.  Showing no remorse for her actions, the lady was sentenced to a mental asylum and was not to be released until she is no longer a threat to the community.

After this short introduction, we skip 43 years into the future and meet the Goodfellow family.  Reverend Walter Goodfellow (Atkinson) and his wife Gloria (Thomas) live in a small, peaceful town.  They have two children – a promiscuous daughter, Holly, and a shy son, Petey.  To help with the kids and the household chores, Walter and Gloria have hired a housekeeper by the name of Grace Hawkins (Smith).  Her strange arrival is just the start of a very unusual week for the Goodfellows.

If you put two and two together, you’ll see how the stories are linked.  I often criticise films for being predictable but only a small few are as obvious as Keeping Mum.  You could see the surprises coming from a mile away.  So noticeable were the “hints” dropped along the way, that I thought it was one giant hoax.  Were they just “red herrings” leading up to an unexpected twist in the end?  Nope.  It played out 100% as expected.

Even if you’re a fan of the ending, how could one not be disappointed by the thin storyline?  The jokes are overused and weren’t funny anyway.  How many times did I have to watch Gloria get annoyed by the barking dog next door?  How many times did I have to watch the next door neighbour enquire about the gardening society?  How many times did I have to watch Holly come home with a new boyfriend?

As unattractive as Keeping Mum sounds, it has attracted a quality cast including Rowan Atkinson, Kristin Scott Thomas and Maggie Smith.  All the actors are struggle though in roles which don’t suit.  Their idiosyncrasies are overdone and I would have preferred subtler, more believable characters.  The overall premise has merit but why make a black comedy with a screwball cast?  It doesn’t work.

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 05 January 2006

I had heard the word may times before but it wasn’t until I saw this film that I learned what being a geisha is all about.  They commence their training at a very young age and reside in special “geisha houses”.  Many come from a poor background and are adopted by more senior geisha who pay for all their expenses until they are fully trained.  Geisha are trained to be both well educated and artistic.  Most can sing, dance and play musical instruments.  It can be gruelling upbringing but once ready, they are the envy of all men.  They services are highly valued and are hired by men as escorts (without the sex) or to host gatherings.

Chiyo (Ohgo) is a beautiful 9-year-old girl who has been sold by her ailing parents to a geisha house.  She will initially work there as a servant but if she shows promise, the head geisha will allow her to commence geisha training.  Chiyo is distinctive in that she has gorgeous blue eyes, uncommon in Japan.  She has a face that is difficult to forget.

After being tricked into ruining an expensive kimono by a jealous rival (Li), Chiyo’s chances at becoming a geisha appeared ruined.  That is until she turns 15 and is approached by an experienced geisha named Mameha (Yeoh) who wants Chiyo to be her new protégé.  It is a late age at which to commence training but Mameha thinks she has the talent to become the most famous geisha of all.  Chiyo’s new name becomes Sayuri (Zhang) and the journey begins…

Set in Kyoto in the late 1930s, Memoirs Of A Geisha is based on Arthur Golden’s 1997 novel.  The world of geisha is usually kept secret but Golden worked with a geisha to obtain much of the detail for his story.  Her identity was supposed to remain a secret but after being named in the book, she sued Golden for defamation in that great shame had been brought to her and the profession.  The matter was settled out of court.

The film has been directed by Rob Marshall, the Academy Award nominated director of Chicago.  Every setting is picturesque and the outdoor scenes are rich and colourful.  This immaculate cinematography is the work of Australian Dion Beebe (Chicago, Collateral).  Born here in Brisbane, Beebe is one of the finest cinematographers in the business today.  His visuals are supported by an emotive film score from the ageless John Williams (who has now been nominated for 42 Academy Awards) and the gorgeous costumes of Colleen Atwood (Chicago, Little Women).  I expect it to perform strongly in the technical categories at this year’s Oscars.  To fully experience it, you must see this film on a big screen.

Some have been disappointed that the leading roles weren’t offered to Japanese actors.  Ziyi Zhang and Li Gong were born in China and Michelle Yeoh was born in Malaysia.  Only Ken Watanabe was born in Japan.  I have no problem with the casting and understand the decision to cast these particular actors.  They will boost the film’s profile but more importantly, they are very good in their roles.  Zhang (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) is stunning as Sayuri.  All speak in English but when they speak quickly, their Asian accents are sometimes difficult to understand.

Memoirs Of A Geisha an interesting tale of love and learning.  I’m not in the habit of reading the book after seeing the movie but I may have to make an exception in this case.

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 16 January 2006

His real name is Curtis Jackson but most know him as “50 Cent”.  The 30-year-old rapper is the star of the latest film from renowned director Jim Sheridan (In The Name Of The Father, In America).  There’s a similarity in this project with Eminem’s 2002 film, 8 Mile.  Both feature rappers in their acting debuts, both are based on true stories, both are about overcoming obstacles, and both have an acclaimed director behind the camera (Curtis Hanson directed 8 Mile).

On paper they familiar but in terms of quality, they are “miles” apart.  8 Mile was brilliant.  It was artistic, told a great story, featured strong actors and had a few unexpected twists.  Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ is terribly predictable and includes a stale performance from 50 Cent.  He can’t act but I don’t hold it against him.  It can’t be easy carrying a $40m motion picture with limited acting experience.  I blame the producers for giving this film a green light to go ahead.

Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ sees a kid named Marcus (50 Cent) grow up on the “wrong side of tracks”.  He never knew his father and his mother was murdered when Marcus was a young teenager.  Marcus turned to world of drugs and he was soon one of the leading traders in the ‘hood.  He now had wealth but there were many competitors trying to bring him down.

After a brief stint in jail, Marcus finds his conscious and wants to change his life for the better.  He becomes a rap singer and with the help of a manager (Howard), tries to find a record label to distribute his music.  Marcus also speaks out against the crime and drug-trafficking that is destroying the neighbourhood.  These actions are attracting a new group of enemies who want Marcus silenced at all costs.

I was tired after just half-an-hour.  The plot feels stretched and the cliché ridden dialogue did nothing to make the two hours feel shorter.   One of the worst parts is the “philosophical” narration from 50 Cent.  He’s trying too hard to get his message across.

Close to 5,000 people have graded this film on the Internet Movie Database and the film has scored an average grade of 2.3 out of 10.  This ranks it inside the bottom 100 films of all time.  It currently has a lower score than Battlefield Earth and Police Academy: Mission To Moscow.  I wouldn’t rank it in my own bottom 100 but it’s not far away.  Save your cents for another movie.

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 02 January 2006

I had fun trying to pick out which stars were voicing which characters.  That’s about as much enjoyment as I extracted from Chicken Little.  When you compare it against some of the great Disney animations, you’ll understand why I think this film deserved a direct-to-video release.

Standing atop the school’s belltower, Chicken Little sees a piece of the sky fall to the ground.  He rings the bell to warn everyone but when no evidence can be found, Little finds himself the laughing stock of the town.  They even make a comedy movie in his honour.  Thus begins a quest for Chicken Little to find the truth and clear his name.  What was it that fell from the sky and how can he convince people that he’s not crazy?

The cute characters are a talkative bunch but they don’t offer much.  They are boring.  Don’t expect much from the plot either which includes a silly alien invasion.  One of the characters admits this is a rip-off from War Of The Worlds.   I can’t speak for the kids who will see this film but I have to wonder whether they will be confused by these alien creatures.  It didn’t make much sense to me.

Chicken Little is the first fully computer animated film to have been produced in-house by Disney.  It is also unique in that there are two different versions currently showing in theatres – one in 2-D and the other in 3-D.  The 3-D movie is only screening at the Birch Carroll & Coyle Chermside cinema here in Brisbane and I’m a little disappointed to say that you have to pay $2 extra to see it.  Are the 3-D glasses worth this much?  I don’t think so.

The 3-D novelty doesn’t disguise the very thin plot.  Kids might swallow it but I’d rather have more substantial films such as Toy Story, Chicken Run, The Incredibles and Spirited Away in my own DVD collection.   Trailers for Chicken Little have been screening for months and the traditional Disney marketing blitz has been on in earnest.  I even received a free novelty key-ring with my medium coke and popcorn combo.  Why can’t they spend less on advertising and more on scriptwriting?

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 06 January 2006

Chris Brander (Reynolds) was once an overweight teenager with a massive crush on his best friend, Jamie Palamino (Smart).  They spent plenty of time together but Jamie never showed an interest in anything more and Chris didn’t have the confidence to ask.  Finally deciding to reveal his feeling at their high school graduation party, Chris was left with a broken heart.  Jamie just wanted to be friends and everyone at the party had a good laugh at Chris’s expense.

Now living in Hollywood, Chris has slimmed down and has the image of success.  Ten years has passed since that forgettable night and Chris now works as a music producer in Hollywood.  His latest client is Samantha James (Faris), a ditsy, hyperactive musician.  Flying with Samantha to Paris, Chris’s past is about to come flooding back.  A problem with the plane sees it diverted to his home in New Jersey and they’ll have to spend the night.  At a local bar, he just so happens to bump into… Jamie Palamino.

For the next few days, Chris and Jamie’s friendship is rekindled.  They hang out together, talk about the past and everything is as it was ten years ago.  For Chris, he’s now faced with the same problem he had ten years ago.  He loves Jamie but is he stuck in limbo again?  How does she feel about him after all this time?  There’s no time to waste because another man from Jamie’s past (Klein) has reappeared and is proving to be stiff competition.

We’ve probably all heard the words “let’s just be friends” and on paper, this doesn’t sound like a bad idea for a comedy movie.  Sadly, there aren’t many laughs.  The two funniest characters are supporting – Anna Faris as Samantha and Christopher Marquette as Chris’s brother, Dusty.  We don’t see enough of them however with the film focusing on the tiresome couple of Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart.

I appreciate that it’s not easy to make a good comedy but you need more material than this.  It’d be a funny skit on say, Saturday Night Live, but it can’t hold my attention for 90 minutes.