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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 17 August 2004

There’s not much too it really – it’s a pure and simple good vs. evil story.  The Rock plays Chris Vaughn, a man who is returning home for the first time in eight years.  He grew up in a small Washington town but left to pursue a career in the U.S. Army.  Now, he’s just looking to find work at the town’s old mill and to catch up with close family and long forgotten friends.

Unfortunately, the “old mill” is now closed and the town’s main source of revenue comes from a newly built casino.  The casino is run by Jay Hamilton Jr (McDonough), a childhood friend of Vaughn who seems to be doing rather well for himself.  Vaughn soon understands why when he sees a croupier rigging a craps game and a subsequent fight breaks out between him and the numerous security guards.

On going to the sheriff to press charges against the guards, Vaughn finds the police very uncooperative.  You see, it’s Jay who is running the town and he will continue to do so thanks to his generous donations / kick-backs to the local authorities.  After Chris’s young nephew overdoses on illegal drugs received from the security guards, Vaughn decides to take matters into his own hands.  He becomes the town’s police chief, appoints best friend Ray Templeton (Knoxville) as his deputy, and begins a campaign to bring down Hamilton’s casino and drug empire.

At less than an hour and a half, it’s an ideal length for a movie of this genre.  It’s just fun action and things are trivialised with useless subplots or long winded scenes.  There’s plenty of fighting, an endless stream of bullets, and an ending sure to leave a satisfied look on your face.  The Rock isn’t the most accomplished actor in the world and he isn’t going to win any Oscars (I hope) but here’s a role he is suited to.  If you’re a fan of him, expect to enjoy Walking Tall.

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 11 August 2004

In the opening to the film, we are told that recent historical research as revealed more on the legend of King Arthur and his loyal knights.  The presumption I drew was that this would be a more realistic portrayal of actual events.  How wrong I was…

Set around the 5^th and 6^th Centuries, Arthur and his men have been fighting gallantly for 15 years.  Known as the Sarmatian Knights, they fight for their Roman emperor in defending the lands of Britain.  Most resistance has come from the north and a rebel group known as the Saxons but Arthur and his men have bravely kept them at bay and Britain is safe.

In accordance with the terms of their contract, the knights are entitled to retire after their 15^th year of service.  However, when a Roman bishop comes to give them all their release papers, he asks one more demanding journey of them – to rescue a Roman family who are trapped in Saxon territory.          After the obligatory disgruntlement amongst the knights, they set off on a final adventure that would finish with a rather unexpected conclusion.

The final battle scenes have been well directed by Antonie Fuqua (Training Day) but aside, there’s very little to applaud about.  The dialogue is simply atrocious.  If you thought all the melodrama of Troy was bad, just wait till you see what garbage is uttered from the mouths of these “legends”.  At one point, Arthur says to his enemy, “It will be good of you to mark my face, Saxon, for the next time you see it, it will be the last thing you see on this earth.”  Yes, I understand it’s a movie, but please, can we have some more realistic and sensible dialogue?

The cast is led by Clive Owen in the leading role who didn’t impress me.  Rising English starlet Keira Knightly (Pirates Of The Caribbean) is being heavily promoted but her role is quite small.  For Australian fans, actor Joel Edgerton (The Hard Word) appears as one of Arthur’s knights and if luckily, it could springboard him to bigger and better international roles.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing remotely royal in this adaptation of King Arthur.  Considering the budget and the publicity, it’s just disappointingly disappointing.

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 15 August 2004

To each their own, but I am tired of actor Will Smith.  The guy has talented which was evident way back in 1993 when he gave the best performance of his career in Six Degrees Of Separation.  Now, Will Smith has become his own stereotype.  Each new character he plays has the same personality – that of a laid-back yet righteous individual who has a broad range of zingy one-liners.  To refresh your memories, think back to Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2, Men In Black, Men In Black 2, Wild Wild West, Enemy Of The State, Independence Day…

I, Robot begins with a murder.  Police detective Del Spooner (Smith) is asked to investigate the apparent suicide of friend Dr. Alfred Lanning (Cromwell).  Lanning was the leader in robotic science and has ensured that almost every American household now has a robot to serve them in their home.  He also developed the three central laws of robotics – a robot cannot injury another human, a robot must obey another human and a robot must protect its own existence.

Spooner has always been sceptical of robots and thinks Lanning’s death was no accident.  In Lanning’s room at the time of his death was a rather unique robot going by the name of Sonny (voiced by Alan Tudyk).  Sonny is now Spooner’s lead suspect but police chief John Bergin (McBride) wants nothing to do with this theory since it completely contradicts the three laws.

Following through with his investigation regardless, Spooner finds he is being hindered by the head of Lanning’s robotics company, Lawrence Robertson (Greenwood).  Something is being covered up with the help of new friend Susan Calvin (Moynahan), Spooner’s prepared to put his life on the line to solve the riddle.

Of course, Spooner’s life is never really on the line.  He extricates himself from one perilous situation after the other and you don’t have to be a mindreader to know he’s going to come through unscathed.  What could have been an interesting look at the power of robots turns into a cheap action adventure with a silly finale.  2001: A Space Odyssey this ain’t.

In the director’s chair is Egyptian born Alex Proyas who directed The Crow and another personal favourite of mine, Dark City.  He’s an exceptionally talented director but may have succumbed to conservatism of Hollywood here.  It’s certainly not as adventurous as his previous works.

There’s a scene in which Robertson talks to Spooner following which Spooner sneezes and utters the line “sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit”.  Well sorry Will Smith, but I am too and I, Robot left me sneezing well after leaving the theatre.

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 11 August 2004

Well, it could have been worse, but, um, I don’t know how to finish this sentence.

I myself have just returned from a 5 week trip across Europe and to employ an overused cliché, it was one of the “best times of my life”.  The culture in each country is unique and our tour manager told us to embrace it with the catchphrase – “it’s not wrong, it’s just different”.

You’d think Europe would provide the perfect setting for an American teen flick.  Unfortunately, screenwriters Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer have combined to create a miserable comedy that exploits European stereotypes and offers no insight into a world far more entertaining than the United States.  To employ an overused cliché, Europe for me was one of the “best times of my life”.  Eurotrip, on the other hand, was one of the “worst times of my life”.  With such a disparaging difference, it’s clear to say that something is amiss.

After some amusing opening titles (the only highlight), we begin with a high school graduation.  Armed with a thick travel guide, Jamie (Wester) and his twin sister Jenny (Trachtenberg) are going to be spending the summer holidaying in Europe.  Best friends Scott (Mechlowicz) and Cooper (Harris) are staying home and have summer jobs lined up.  That is until, Scott releases his German pen-pal is not actually a man but a gorgeous blond with nice tits (yes, we see them many times).  Suffice to say, Scott and Cooper are on the first flight out of there en route to Berlin.

As it turns out, getting to Berlin isn’t as easy as hoped.  Our quartet travel through London, Paris, Amsterdam, Rome and even Bratislava (in Slovakia).  In Paris, the film spends three agonising minutes watching Scott imitate a street performer outside the queue to the Lourve.  How did this make the final cut?  Why not show him heckling some of the illegal immigrants selling Louis Vuitton bags, fake sunglasses or Eiffel Tower statues?

It all unfolds with boring predictability.  There’s plenty of nudity to keep horny male teenagers entertained but if you don’t fit that genre, forget it.  Without giving too much away, it all finishes with a horribly disrespectful display at the Vatican and a pathetically mushy “happily ever after” ending.  If you heard me laughing, it was “at” the film and not “with” the film.

If you look at Eurotrip’s poster, you’ll see the tagline for the film is “no Europeans were harmed during the making of this film”.  Unfortunately, the poster does not discuss how many Europeans were harmed whilst watching the film.  As I say of any film awarded my lowest grade - you have been well and truly warned!

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 11 August 2004

Since the turn of the century, our own Nicole Kidman has dazzled us in Moulin Rouge, The Others, The Hours, Dogville and Cold Mountain.   Sadly though, The Stepford Wives will prove to be a rare blot on the otherwise impressive resume.

Joanna Eberhard (Kidman) was once a high-flying, well-paid television executive.  That was until she was fired after a few controversial television show ideas.  Looking to escape the big city, Joanna and her husband Walter (Broderick) have moved to the easy living town of Stepford to start a whole new life.

It’s a beautiful town filled with beautiful people but for Joanna, something isn’t quite right about Stepford.  The wives are all meticulously dressed and serve their husbands with unbridled devotion.  There are never any arguments and no wife seems bothered by the fact her husband spends much time hanging out with the other guys at a secret clubhouse.

Now for a major spoiler alert.  If you haven’t seen the film and plan on doing so, please read no further.  What follows this introduction is one of the biggest plot flaws of the year and I am flabbergasted to see it escape the cutting room floor.  It turns out, that the women of Stepford are robots.  In one scene, we see Matthew Broderick and Nicole Kidman descend into a room where she herself will have her brain/memories implanted into a Kidman look-alike robot.

Here’s where we have problems.  Firstly, where does the real Kidman go if she is turned into a robot?  Secondly, once the plan is “foiled”, how come the women at the party transform back into themselves when the computers in the control room are smashed?  Are they robots or are they humans with mind controlling chips in their brains?  The film seems to tell us both which is complete nonsense.

It’s a solid cast with Bette Midler, Glenn Close and Christopher Walken working along side Kidman and Broderick.  We don’t see Midler on screen very often and I enjoyed the scenes she shared with Kidman.  They help build the film’s intrigue in the early stages but as the plot plans out, you realise there’s not a lot to it at all.  It’s a very basic story which doesn’t seem to tell us anything.

According to the Internet Movie Database, many scenes were re-shot and subplots were changed following poor test screenings.  From my own opinions of the final product, I don’t think the changes made much of a difference.