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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 13 January 2000

In 1998 alone, of the five Academy Award nominees for best picture, three were war films - Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line and Life Is Beautiful, and this year another hot contender can be added to the long line of war films being coming out of Hollywood - Three Kings.

We are introduced to our four US soldiers early in the piece (don’t ask me why it’s called Three Kings).  Sgt Troy Barlow (Wahlberg), Sgt Chief Elgin (Ice Cube), and Conrad Vig (Jonze) come across a secret map hidden in the ass of Iraqi solider.  The Gulf War has just ended - the U.S. Iraq have declared a ceasefire, and many of the soldiers are planning to return home.  When Captain Archie Gates (Clooney) finds the other three with the map - he wants in and has a plan.

Evading a U.S. Television reporter, they sneak out to find the location of a hidden bunker that supposedly contains millions of dollars worth of gold bullion.  They never expected it to be easy but what they came across and what it brought out of them, would change their lives forever.

David O. Russell (Spanking The Monkey and Flirting With Disaster) is a blossoming director who has really taken off with this picture.  The setting and story are captured so wonderfully with the radical fast-paced style.  George Clooney has comes leaps and bounds in recent years and follows Out Of Sight with his finest role to date.  Also singled out must be the fourth member of the team - Spike Jonze.  It’s hard not to focus on him in the film and think how this was the mastermind who directed Being John Malkovich.

This film has it all.  It starts off with plenty of laughs but by end you’ve taken a journey you didn’t expect to take.  From the wide-open deserts to the deep hidden bunkers, realism exudes.  Its intensity will keep you riveted to your seat as you await the fate of the four soldiers and you’re taken through their highs and lows. 

Already awarded best picture of the year by the Boston Society Of Film Critics and featured on top 10 lists all over the world, Three Kings is an immensely entertaining film that will keep you both thinking and feeling.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 06 January 2000

Schneider stars as Deuce, a fish tanker cleaner who meets a gigolo, Antonie whilst on the job.  Antoine’s prized “fishy” is ill and must be closely watched for a 48-hour period.  Unfortunately, he has to go to Switzerland for work and leaves the hapless Deuce in charge of his attractive mansion.

Whilst making the most of the facilities, he accidentally destroys his $6,000 fish tank and so how is going to raise the money in the three weeks before the gigolo returns?  Just have one guess - by becoming a gigolo.

The cast is flat, dead and dull.  William Forsythe is a talented actor who must have been hallucinating when he read this script.  He plays a detective trying to bring down Antoine’s business and who is obsessed with whipping out his penis in public. Funny stuff!

This film is beyond toilet humour and isn’t even remotely amusing.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen it all with this one so don’t waste your time.  Nothing more than a couple of “supposed” jokes tortured to death, this is without question one of the worst films of the year.  Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo is sure to leave you speechless.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 13 January 2000

There are only two reasons women go to St. Cloud’s - to give birth and leave their child behind, or to have an abortion.  Homer became proficient in the art of delivery, but despite the wishes of Larch, his moral stance withheld him from performing an abortion.

Homer became a respected member and father-figure of the St. Cloud’s orphans - he was loved and he loved them but as time went by, he wanted more - he wanted to see the world. 

Wally (Rudd) & Candy (Theron) provided that opportunity.  Wally was a fighter pilot in the army and Candy worked at an apple orchard by the sea and together they arrived at St. Cloud’s with an unwanted pregnancy.  Homer seized the opportunity to move on.  Asking for a lift from the love-struck couple, Homer went into the world, to find where he really belonged.

Following Homer’s departure from St. Cloud’s, things changed. The medical board began a movement to replace the aging Dr. Larch as head of St. Cloud’s who now knew his days were numbered.  Larch knew the only person who could replace him and his uphold his ethic would be Homer - but could he convince the board and more importantly, could he convince Homer to return?

The reinvented Caine provides one of the best performances of his career and Maguire was perfectly suited to his role as the stilted Homer.  Lasse Hallstrom’s (What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?) direction creates some wonderful moments - including the opening credits (beautiful orchestrated by Rachel Portman), and the moment Homer acts on his affections towards Candy.

But the aspect to emphasise in this film is John Irving screenplay based on his own lengthy novel (first published in 1986).  If the full book was made into a film it would end up being a 10-part mini-series and so cutting it back into a 2-hour version whilst maintaining the whole essence of the novel was a task in itself.  Given the limitations, characters and subplots had to altered or removed (which will annoy some), but Irving comes through with honours.

Despite it’s subject matter, The Cider House Rules is not a debate on abortion, although it will create discussion.  It’s Homer’s story - an emotional and moving drama about the journeys we take and the paths we follow to find our true place in the world - to find that place where we can best be “of some use”.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 06 January 2000

Libby Parsons (Judd) is a happily married mother with a five-year-old son.  After a “passionate” night with her husband Nick (Greenwood) on their yacht, she wakes up to find the yacht covered in blood, and her husband missing.

Convicted of his death, she spends six years behind bars but whilst in “prison”, she discovers her husband is still alive - he has set her up and run off with her best friend.  Upon release Libby is determined to track him down and make up for her lost time.  Unknowing of the full plight is Libby’s parole officer (Tommy Lee Jones), who comes after her when she breaks parole to take her back under police custody.

As Libby says to Nick upon finding him, “I can shoot you in the middle of Mardi Gras and they can’t touch me”.  I suppose you wonder why I mention this line from the final 10 minutes of the film - doesn’t it spoil the ending?  Well it sure does, but don’t blame me.  This line and several others from the final scenes appear in both the trailer and TV advertisements.  Just another in a long line of movies spoilt by idiotically revealing clips.

If any of this sounds mildly interesting then I am misleading you.  Ashley Judd and Tommy Lee Jones are mildly entertaining in their roles and Australian director Bruce Beresford serves up a fair effort to help build the tension but what an appalling script the screenwriters dished up.  The film is nothing more than a bunch of very unlikely coincidences combined with gross incompetence from the police.  How the hell was she convicted in the first place if he’s still alive - where did all the blood come from (anyone ever heard of DNA testing?).  It is the worst example one can find of a “popcorn movie”.  Designed to give audiences the thrill that one can kill another and get away with it, it’s merely cheap, trashy entertainment and nothing else can be taken away from it.

I could go on picking the holes and analysing the flaws but honestly, that would be wasting time on a film that frankly doesn’t deserve it.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 13 January 2000

In Happy, the town is getting ready for a big beauty pageant for young girls as they try to qualify for the final for the first time in eight years.  To help their causes, they’ve hired two guys who are experts in pageants - coincidentally the same two guys from whom they’ve stolen the camper van.

Suddenly, Harry and Wayne find themselves mistakenly identified as the two pageant guys and are roped into helping organise the pageant.  They need somewhere to hide out and what’s more - they’re getting paid $1,000 for the job.

Everything though is more complicated than first planned.  Firstly, neither of them knows anything about beauty pageants.  Secondly, the two guys are supposed to be a gay couple. Thirdly, they each develop crushes on a couple of local women (Walker and Douglas).  Throw in a creepy sheriff (Macy) who comes to a sudden realisation and you’ve got a pretty good recipe cooked up.

Watching this film had me wondering just what it was designed for.  It doesn’t have the laughs for a comedy, but it’s way too stupid for a drama.  It seems to be an attempted feel-good movie that is about twice as long as it ought to be and loses momentum as it progresses.

William H. Macy is in a class of his own and illustrates just how talented he is.  Since his Oscar nomination in Fargo, his career has taken off in leaps and bounds and his supporting role in this film overshadows the rest.  Jeremy Northam and Steve Zahn have their moments but neither is particularly notable.

You’ll see a lot worse movies this year, but all in all it adds up to one of those films that is going to lack public appeal because it’s quirky nature isn’t always on the mark.